I am not a robot.

Posted on September 28, 2011

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Sometimes I wish I was though.  I wonder if things would be easier?  Obviously I would save a lot of money on food, and drinks.  I wouldn’t need blankets to keep me warm at night, and I would never need to buy band aids, mouthwash, soap or toilet paper.  I wouldn’t have to feel either.  Sometimes  I wonder if that would be nice?  Would I know if it was nice, if I didn’t have emotions?   Actually I don’t need to wish I was a robot, because people sometimes assume that I am one.  I will admit, that often I can come across as logical, aloof, and stand-offish.  It is in my nature to try to be diplomatic, to see things from all sides.  I don’t cry very much, and I try to take a calm approach to everything.  People outside of my family, and friends that I have known for years, have even thought of me as cold.  I’ll admit, emotionally, I probably have issues.  I no longer  make that connection beyond acquaintance with people, the idea honestly fills me with dread sometimes.  I hold people at arm’s length, because that is where I like them….within reach, but out of touch.   Knowing how I am, I understand why people see me as they do.

I am not a robot. I do feel, and because I feel, sometimes my emotions get the better of me.  My emotions get the better of me, and then people are shocked, and taken aback that I can feel passionately about something.  I am not a robot, I am a human like you, so I shouldn’t have to explain my emotions to you.  You as a human should know full well how you can get swept up in fear, happiness, sadness, anger, or righteous indignation.   Yet by the shock  I feel that people express, when I conduct myself in any other way than pragmatic, clinical, and diplomatic, it feels like I have to explain myself…like it is wrong to express myself in a way no one else would think twice about.   Then I have to wonder, have I become so out of touch with my own feelings that perhaps I am not expressing them correctly?   Have I forgotten the socially acceptable ways of emoting?  Yet, I witness people expressing their feelings with unabashed freedom, and there is no question about it.  This isn’t a poor me, look how unfair things are for me, I actually truly wonder if I am doing it wrong.   Look I get that I probably need to talk to someone to address why I have become so closed off.  However, every time someone expresses shock, or distaste when I am anything but calm, rationale, and dispassionate, I tuck those feelings in a bit deeper, button myself up a little tighter, and become a little more like the robot I am not.  Honestly, it’s easier, it’s cleaner, it’s less disappointing, and it hurts a lot less…sometimes being a robot isn’t a bad idea at all.

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