One in which I rant…(part2)

Posted on June 27, 2011

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I have typed, deleted, retyped, and sat staring at the screen trying to figure out what to write.  I don’t know why suddenly it seems so hard to type out the things that have been bouncing around in my head the past few months.  It’s not some epic tale I am trying to tell, again there was no big event, no crisis, no epiphany that brought me to the place I am now….I just felt things needed to change.   No, that’s wrong…I felt like I had changed.

See, the funny thing is, is while my faith in God, though at times was weaker than some people’s, and even wavering a couple of times, never disappeared.   There have been many instances in the course of my life where my faith has been tested.  Many times where I could have decided that there was no God, or that he had forgotten about me, or that I was being punished.  There have been times where my faith should have been broken, but it wasn’t.  It’s not that I think I have some super hero strength faith, shoot, I am, personally  in disbelief at times, that it has held up as well as it has, and am often envious of people who just trust so thoroughly in God.  I have trouble giving up so much control, which is at odds with my normal “you can’t control what life hands you, you can only control how you respond to it”  and “everything will work out for the best” nature.   I think maybe I am still looking at it too literally, thinking that I need to do nothing, when really I just need to listen to what I feel I am supposed to do.

This leads me to talk about what I really lost faith in.  I lost faith in people.  Oh sure, I still gave, and continue to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, until they prove me wrong.  I still believe that the majority of people are good, kind, and helpful people.  However people will always disappoint me, and I am sure that I have, and will disappoint people.  That’s just what we do, even though most of the time we never intend to, and sometime we don’t even think we are disappointing others.  The thing was, I saw these people, who prided themselves on being good Christians, who spoke loudly against sin, and how horrible it was, how many blessings there are by living a “good” life…well their version of a good life anyway.  It wasn’t their words that bothered me so much, but they way they were said…the superiority, and distaste in their tone.  The sideways glances at people who didn’t fit their image of  a good person, and the unspoken feeling that they somehow had the right to decide who was worthy of Gods love.

I couldn’t reconcile the lesson of “Love one another” with the things I was seeing and hearing from people who are supposed to take that lesson to heart.  I don’t even think it needs to be said that no one is perfect, I am not, you’re not, no one of mortal existence is, and I don’t expect anyone to be.  We all make mistakes, abandon the lessons we are taught, make foolish decisions, and say stupid things..it is the nature of our existence.  However people who will jet off to a developing country to feed the hungry, yet ignore the people who starve in their own back yard, disappoint me.  People spend exorbitant amounts of money to fly to Africa to help the sick, but bemoan a healthcare bill to take care of our own sick because it might cost them $1 or 2 more a year on their taxes.  They disappoint me.   The people who come up to asking for a donation to their church, and when you have none to give,  become rude, break out the guilt trip, and say ugly things towards you.  They disappoint me.  The people who let you know if you don’t fit in this tiny, little box they have created for you then you don’t really love God, have never really known him, and were doomed to an eternity without him…they disappoint me.

Perhaps this made/makes me horribly judgmental and, no better than the very people I lost faith in.  The thing is though, I wasn’t basing my opinion on what I thought they were.  I was basing it on who they showed themselves to be, their words and their actions told me more than any assumption I ever had about them could.  The weirdest thing about all of this disappointment I felt, was I somehow thought it was my fault.  I felt like if I just tried hard, prayed more, volunteered more of my time, agreed with people more, smiled and nodded even when every fiber of my being want to shout, “NO!”  that my faith would grow stronger, and that I wouldn’t be disappointed anymore.  Maybe part of it was, I don’t know.  What I do know, is that while I didn’t lose my faith in God, I felt like God had lost faith in me.  I felt like I didn’t belong , because I just couldn’t fall in step with what “everyone” else was doing, but I couldn’t ignore how all their proclamations that they are “right”, no matter how it hurt others, felt so wrong to me.  I was always told that God was love, but I never felt love from the people who felt they spoke on the behalf of God.   What’s worse is, I figured I never felt love, because I wasn’t a good enough Christian to be loved, because I knew I would probably never agree with and fit it with “everyone” else.

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