And now I am back (from outer space?)

Posted on May 9, 2011

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It seems my ideal of writing here everyday, or at least a few times a week has sputtered to a stop.  I didn’t intend for that to happen, it just did.  There isn’t any one good reason, mostly a cumulation of several reasons.  The biggest one though (did I just contradict myself?  Probably) is our weather as been absolutely gorgeous the past several weeks, and I want to be out in it.  This I do have to say is a bit of a change for me, usually this time of year is when I want to start spending less time outside because it is starting to get hot, and humid.  This year though…I don’t know, maybe I have finally acclimated to the heat and humidity because we have been creeping up into the mid and upper 90’s and I still want to be outside.   It could also be that I just don’t want to feel cooped up anymore.  I am not sure what is happening but I am going through something.  Something is changing in me, and I am no longer comfortable in my “comfort zone”.  Perhaps it’s because I am getting older, except I don’t really think I am that old…34 is pretty young for a mid-life crisis after all.  Would it really be a mid-life crisis if it just feels like the real you is simply clawing its way back to the surface?

I used to be a fairly outgoing person, and to some extent I still am when I need to be.  However I also have no problem being alone, and I actually really crave alone time, sometime to the exclusion of others.  Honestly I could easily become a recluse and it wouldn’t be that big of a deal to me…except I’d just talk to myself more.   Reclusive is what I have become though, it has happened slowly over the past several years, and I am now seeing what a detriment that has been.  I have become socially awkward, I have forgotten how to listen because I am so focused on talking to another person.  I have become hesitant to start conversations with people for fear of, I don’t know..inconvienancing them?  Rejection?  I avoid eye contact.  Yes, I have been a stay at home mom for the past 6 years, but that is not an excuse, and honestly I don’t even think that is the full reason.  In fact I know it’s not the full reason…I mean I could really get deep here, but I am not.  Maybe some other time, but suffice to say that there were other mitigating factors.  The point is, I feel like I am re-learning how to be myself again, and I rel-earning how to be around others again.

I have also realized that I want to be the best version of me…not perfection, not super woman, or super mom, just the best version of me.  I think even back before I started to become a hermit..all be it a fabulous one, there was a better version of me that I just wasn’t willing to work towards.  Perhaps that is another part of how I ended up where I was.    All I know I feel like I have been lost for the past few years, or like I have been trapped behind a foggy window, and I have been pounding on it trying to get my attention so I would let myself back in.  Okay…that might be the lamest sentence I have written to date (don’t worry… I’ll write lamer ones int he future, you can count on it!).  I am not sure where I will end up, and I am not sure what awaits me as I reintroduce myself to the world, but I am excited just to be back “in” the world.  Everything seems so thrilling, and I feel like I am getting so much enjoyment out of things that I barely noticed before, not because they were unimportant but because I was walking around with my eyes closed.  It’s like the world is reintroducing itself to me as well.

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Posted in: Random, Uncategorized